labels

A member in a support group I belong to raised the question a question about manners and how to handle delicate situations. She asks, how should parents handle situations where they're asked "Why [child1] is smarter/prettier/more intelligent than [child2] ?"

I'm actually looking forward to reading the feedback from the other members because as a child, my siblings and I have been in plenty of situations where we get compared with each other and with other children / cousins and having suffered through these humiliating moments, I still do not feel equipped to deal with this if this happens again.

So far as labels go, my older sister is the pretty one. She gets asked to be part of the bridal party or to join the Santacruzan (heehee, but she never did). Being petite, she also has the luxury of looking younger than her actual age, to the point that when her friends would see us together, nobody would believe that she's actually 8 years older than me.

A very tactless friend even went so far as to say "come on ? Are you kidding me ? She's your shobe ? But she looks older... uh... este.. you look so much younger than her!" she then turns to me and asks me to my face "come on, you're the Achi no ?" I couldn't say anything.

I am the smart one. My parents can go on and on about my achievements and the awards I've received. A typical conversation between my parents and friends or relatives would go something like:

Mom: this is my eldest daughter
Others: wow, she's so pretty! so beautiful and so lady-like!
Mom: and this is my younger daughter, matalino yan, she's done these [list of achievements]

So ano ? Hindi ako pretty ?

I felt bad that Mom felt the need to add something to prop me up. I used to resent being with my sister. I didn't want to go out with her or be introduced with her because just standing beside her makes me ugly.

Now that I'm older (and wiser, hopefully), I understand that it was hard on her too. If I felt some resentment ("hindi ako pretty?"), then I'm sure she felt it too ("hindi ako matalino?"). I vowed to myself that I will never fall into the trap of comparing my children.

Unfortunately, I now find myself doing the same thing with my nephews. When asked to describe my sisters' two boys, I would say that Lance, the eldest one, is the booksmart and mabait one. Lyle, the younger boy, is the streetsmart and naughty/pilyo one. It's true though.

Paano kaya to ? What's the best way to handle this without hurting anybody's feelings ? In my nephews' case, the labels just shows off their strengths and it's not a criticism. I only hope that they see it this way too.