Better

I cried for many days and thinking about how I should act and what I should say to Mom and Achi and still couldn't figure out what was expected of me. I keep thinking that if I make the first move and call Mom up, they would get together again to talk about how I called and talked to Mom as if nothing happened - which was what they did the last time.

Parang kasalanan pa.

So I don't call them and they didn't call me. Stalemate, I guess. This is so not normal for us. Also, I was flying out to MA again to report to the office and she did not even ask if I was okay.

I figured, she probably does not care what happens to me so long as her precious other daughter and her grandkids are okay there on the other side. So I decided to let go. Ayoko na, crying can't be good.

I finally get a call on Friday night. Now, it's my turn to say "Mom called me up and talked to me, parang walang nangyari." Looks like we're back to normal now, at least w/ Mom.

Honestly, I still feel sore about the lying - but nothing is going to change that. I have come to realize that Mom & Achi have their secrets and they have this relationship going on and it's never going to be the same between Mom & me.

I still feel sore that Achi hasn't made any moves to talk to me yet and w/ her, I am adamant. I don't want to talk to her first. She lied to me and she betrayed me, so she should make the first move if she wants to talk. Kapatid kung sa kapatid but if she can go on w/o me, then surely, I can live w/o talking to her. I have never depended on her for anything in my life and I'm not about to start now.

Trust is a very serious thing with me, I'm sure that Sis would say otherwise and that she probably feels that she didn't do anything wrong but finding out that I can't trust my own sister was just a little bit short of devastating to me.

What do I expect ? Di ko alam.

What do I want ? A sincere apology that shows that she understands why I was upset and what she did wrong. Nothing more, nothing less.

Snooping around

... is never good.

I tried my hand at snooping today and I found some things that I wasn't supposed to know and I'm not too happy about it. In retrospect, I shouldn't have persisted in finding out anymore.

I feel like Pandora right now. I couldn't resist the box full of secrets and I just had to open it. Unfortunately, like Pandora, I released some bad stuff along with the good and as much as I regret what I've done, there's nothing I can do. And even more unfortunate, is that unlike Pandora, I see no sign of Hope.

My Mom's famous words come to mind (when she's caught in a lie or when she finds that she cannot explain herself) - "Tapos na, wag na nating pag-usapan." How I would like to be able to do that and stop remembering and stop thinking. But I can't.

Among the revelations I found out is that my family - specifically, Mom and my sister - still persist in lying to me. It's kind of funny in a perverted suwail-na-anak sort of way, how I kept on baiting Mom and she kept on denying it when all along, I already knew the answer and had proof that she was lying.

In fairness, Mom's good, she stood by her statement (lies though they were). Nag-iyakan na at lahat (well, I mostly did the crying), pinanindigan pa rin nya. Oh, how I wanted to shove the truth up her face but as I've learned from previous experience, that never works.

I'm not saying that Mom was a bad mother. She was one of the best providers, if not *THE* best. She's done and sacrificed everything that she can to give me a good future but she does have her faults. I hate to sound like an ingrate but, recession woes aside, this is just one of those times when money isn't good enough - I would rather have her honesty than cash. Minsan kasi feeling ko she's trying to pay me off. It's like she knows that she's deceiving me and feels like she owes me.

Nakaka-loko lang that she persists in lying and I know all along that she was lying. It's so demeaning.

Anyway, as with the rest of my angst that should most probably remain hidden, dito ko na lang ilalabas. If Mom & Sis see this, then so be it. Fate siguro. If they don't, then sige, magplastikan na lang kami in the meantime.

Mom, you're such a drama queen. I know I am too because it's obviously in my genes as I can't help being my mother's daughter.

Food Diary

I just had some organic taco chips loaded with Pico de Gallo (from Baja Fresh) for bfast today. It was good!

I still get amazed with how much I enjoy tomatoes whenever I have some. I don't particularly enjoy tomatoes which are cooked - in sauces, stews or even in soups - but I absolutely love munching on raw tomatoes. 

A few years ago, when I was working on a project in London, the standard breakfast fare in the hotel I was staying in was sauteed mushrooms, slices of bacon, baked tomatoes and eggs. Obviously, I started all my days with mushrooms and tomatoes, I did this for 2 weeks.

--- Edit:

Okay, so I couldn't resist the lure of the chiu chow chili sauce and had to have it for lunch. So I my lunch of hotdogs, scrambled eggs and rice. I sprinkled the Chiu Chow Chili (Garlic) sauce over each spoonful and savored it.

Now ? Heartburn.

Heard from Lyle...

"I have 3 words for you, Dad... DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY BROTHER!"

He got mad when people laughed at him after he said that.

Taas-kilay

I've heard quite a few "taas kilay" statements in my life, I just heard another one this morning and this raised my hackles so I decided to post a blog to share a few of these comments.

This first one is from a cousin's wife and she said this to my sister:

Na-shock ako nung na meet ko family ni [cousin's name].

We're not exactly sure what she meant or who she's referring to but that's what she said. I'm thinking that this statement would normally be laughed at or agreed with because, admittedly, our family is big and loud but my sister and I took offense because this is the same woman whose father brought along an illegitimate son - and introduced him as such "hello, this is my illegitimate son." - to his family's US trip to visit his daughter and new son-in-law. 

His wife's family were so outraged that they didn't permit him to stay with them so while his wife and their daughters stayed at the wife's sister's place, he and his illegitimate son had to stay at my aunt & uncle's house instead. This was for the entire 6 weeks of their stay.

So, who shocked whom ?

And this morning, my other friend left me a message on YM:

I was thinking about our conversation last night, your achi is more grabe than me because she talks about sex with your Mom and I don't. I value my privacy.

EH ?

Where did she get the idea that my sister talks sex with my Mom ? Our conversation last night went like this - I made a comment that she and my sister were so much alike (she reminds me of achi and vice versa) because they both like to share everything with their families, even the seemingly unimportant facts.

For example, when my sister rings me up in the afternoon, it's usually:

"hi, I'm in Walmart buying stuff... now, I'm paying, can you wait ? Okay, now I'm on my way to Costco... i'm driving. I'm parking. I'm in costco. I'm getting eggs, milk and bacon because we're all out. Now I'm driving out. I'm getting gas. I'm dropping by Aunt's house because she asked me to pick something up,... now I'm at Jollibee because Lyle wants burger steak...."

And this drives me crazy, especially when I'm busy with work, because what do I care if you're out in the grocery? I don't need to know when she buys her milk and eggs. And thinking that she interrupts my work day & thoughts to report on where she's going and what she's buying ? I don't think that it's right. Sis also calls up Mom constantly to report on how many patients she's seen that day, how many vaccinations, how many were men, women and children. How much she got in her paycheck down to the last cent. All that stuff. She reports everything (as my YM friend does to her mom).

So my friend from YM - through whatever convoluted thought process it was that she did - somehow concludes that my sister talks sex with my Mom and says that they're not the same. My achi is more grabe.

DUH ?

For the record...

- my sister (none of us) talk sex with our parents or with friends.

- this friend from YM is the same woman who tells me that she and her bf (now, her husband) has had sex in the park (both in the car and outdoors) and in the movies 

- that they have sex 3x a day last weekend 

- that the first time they moved into their new home, they had sex in every room (she calls it "didiligan")

- that this is the same woman who, before they got married, admitted to her mom that she and her bf has sex when they see each other

So, who values her privacy and who does not ? Sinong grabe ? Sinong outrageous ? So with that, I was, and I still am, very much offended.

Come to think of it. Why does she like to talk sex with me? =) 

Officially Empty

Popcorn: 0, Checking Account: 1

"Haha!" said my checking account.

I recently blogged about our finances. Specifically, I talked about how we're running on fumes.  Anyway, the fumes have officially run out now. My heart gave a leap - poor heart, it keeps getting startled nowadays - when I checked both credit card accounts and sorted through ouor recent mail this morning

Egad!

$$ for card 1 due on the 14th.

$$ for card 2 due on the 7th.

$ monthly condo maintenance fee at the end of the month 

$ Car insurance payments due on the 9th

$$ life insurance premium

- utilities

I crunched the numbers and no matter how much I've been saving and scrimping, there's no way we're gonna be able to afford to pay off the total without dipping into the supposedly-do-not-touch* account - which, by the way, is also almost depleted. There's really nothing to worry about because we're still at the $0* debt level, except that the "do not touch" backup account is $0 balance too. Haha!

I'm not complaining. All these purchases were legit - half of card 1's total is part of the new car'sdownpayment. We maxed out the amount that we can put on the card as per the dealer's policy, we did this so we can maximize the cash-back rewards on our card. Card 2's balance is mostly my family's plane fare for their July visit. I did get back the charges that I disputed last month, but that barely made a dent in the statement total.

I've been living in America for several years now but this is the first time I realized how easy it is to get buried in debt. Today is the first time that I can truly say that I can empathize with those who owe so much. I've always made it a policy to pay off my bills at the end of the day and I've always thought that this was enough to curb our spending.

Hindi pala.

This month just proved to me how easy it is to go through your money, no matter how kuripot you are, no matter how much you watch your cents & dollars and no matter how hard you think about your purchases. 

I hope this doesn't come as too much drama because we're still a long way off from being destitute but to those who are struggling to make ends meet, I know how you feel.

---

*Edit:  I just realized that we're not at the $0 debt level because we just took on this auto loan for the 2nd car. Sigh. So correction, we're at the $ xx,xxx debt level. For now.

Congee Village

Hubby has been looking forward to this trip. Family friends recommended the Congee Village a long time ago, but they only remembered the Chinese name so we didn't find this place until we accidentally walked past it during my brother's visit a few weeks ago.

Bro took a picture and this was what it looked like when we walked past it. Needless to say, we didn't even want to try. Note that they have a sort of waiting lounge inside, there were too many people and they spilled over to the sidewalk.

We dropped by again on a weekday night and the wait was better - 15 minutes. We ordered rice baked in bamboo, sliced pork and century egg congee and fried squid with salted pepper.

The baked rice wasn't what hubby expected but the squid and the congee did not disappoint. The congee came sizzling hot and the pot was filled to overflowing, I had been craving for congee and I loved it.

Note that they also serve my favorite shark's fin soup but as I'm staying away from shark right now, I'll probably put a hold on that craving in the meantime.