Better

I cried for many days and thinking about how I should act and what I should say to Mom and Achi and still couldn't figure out what was expected of me. I keep thinking that if I make the first move and call Mom up, they would get together again to talk about how I called and talked to Mom as if nothing happened - which was what they did the last time.

Parang kasalanan pa.

So I don't call them and they didn't call me. Stalemate, I guess. This is so not normal for us. Also, I was flying out to MA again to report to the office and she did not even ask if I was okay.

I figured, she probably does not care what happens to me so long as her precious other daughter and her grandkids are okay there on the other side. So I decided to let go. Ayoko na, crying can't be good.

I finally get a call on Friday night. Now, it's my turn to say "Mom called me up and talked to me, parang walang nangyari." Looks like we're back to normal now, at least w/ Mom.

Honestly, I still feel sore about the lying - but nothing is going to change that. I have come to realize that Mom & Achi have their secrets and they have this relationship going on and it's never going to be the same between Mom & me.

I still feel sore that Achi hasn't made any moves to talk to me yet and w/ her, I am adamant. I don't want to talk to her first. She lied to me and she betrayed me, so she should make the first move if she wants to talk. Kapatid kung sa kapatid but if she can go on w/o me, then surely, I can live w/o talking to her. I have never depended on her for anything in my life and I'm not about to start now.

Trust is a very serious thing with me, I'm sure that Sis would say otherwise and that she probably feels that she didn't do anything wrong but finding out that I can't trust my own sister was just a little bit short of devastating to me.

What do I expect ? Di ko alam.

What do I want ? A sincere apology that shows that she understands why I was upset and what she did wrong. Nothing more, nothing less.

Snooping around

... is never good.

I tried my hand at snooping today and I found some things that I wasn't supposed to know and I'm not too happy about it. In retrospect, I shouldn't have persisted in finding out anymore.

I feel like Pandora right now. I couldn't resist the box full of secrets and I just had to open it. Unfortunately, like Pandora, I released some bad stuff along with the good and as much as I regret what I've done, there's nothing I can do. And even more unfortunate, is that unlike Pandora, I see no sign of Hope.

My Mom's famous words come to mind (when she's caught in a lie or when she finds that she cannot explain herself) - "Tapos na, wag na nating pag-usapan." How I would like to be able to do that and stop remembering and stop thinking. But I can't.

Among the revelations I found out is that my family - specifically, Mom and my sister - still persist in lying to me. It's kind of funny in a perverted suwail-na-anak sort of way, how I kept on baiting Mom and she kept on denying it when all along, I already knew the answer and had proof that she was lying.

In fairness, Mom's good, she stood by her statement (lies though they were). Nag-iyakan na at lahat (well, I mostly did the crying), pinanindigan pa rin nya. Oh, how I wanted to shove the truth up her face but as I've learned from previous experience, that never works.

I'm not saying that Mom was a bad mother. She was one of the best providers, if not *THE* best. She's done and sacrificed everything that she can to give me a good future but she does have her faults. I hate to sound like an ingrate but, recession woes aside, this is just one of those times when money isn't good enough - I would rather have her honesty than cash. Minsan kasi feeling ko she's trying to pay me off. It's like she knows that she's deceiving me and feels like she owes me.

Nakaka-loko lang that she persists in lying and I know all along that she was lying. It's so demeaning.

Anyway, as with the rest of my angst that should most probably remain hidden, dito ko na lang ilalabas. If Mom & Sis see this, then so be it. Fate siguro. If they don't, then sige, magplastikan na lang kami in the meantime.

Mom, you're such a drama queen. I know I am too because it's obviously in my genes as I can't help being my mother's daughter.

Food Diary

I just had some organic taco chips loaded with Pico de Gallo (from Baja Fresh) for bfast today. It was good!

I still get amazed with how much I enjoy tomatoes whenever I have some. I don't particularly enjoy tomatoes which are cooked - in sauces, stews or even in soups - but I absolutely love munching on raw tomatoes. 

A few years ago, when I was working on a project in London, the standard breakfast fare in the hotel I was staying in was sauteed mushrooms, slices of bacon, baked tomatoes and eggs. Obviously, I started all my days with mushrooms and tomatoes, I did this for 2 weeks.

--- Edit:

Okay, so I couldn't resist the lure of the chiu chow chili sauce and had to have it for lunch. So I my lunch of hotdogs, scrambled eggs and rice. I sprinkled the Chiu Chow Chili (Garlic) sauce over each spoonful and savored it.

Now ? Heartburn.

Heard from Lyle...

"I have 3 words for you, Dad... DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY BROTHER!"

He got mad when people laughed at him after he said that.