Better

I cried for many days and thinking about how I should act and what I should say to Mom and Achi and still couldn't figure out what was expected of me. I keep thinking that if I make the first move and call Mom up, they would get together again to talk about how I called and talked to Mom as if nothing happened - which was what they did the last time.

Parang kasalanan pa.

So I don't call them and they didn't call me. Stalemate, I guess. This is so not normal for us. Also, I was flying out to MA again to report to the office and she did not even ask if I was okay.

I figured, she probably does not care what happens to me so long as her precious other daughter and her grandkids are okay there on the other side. So I decided to let go. Ayoko na, crying can't be good.

I finally get a call on Friday night. Now, it's my turn to say "Mom called me up and talked to me, parang walang nangyari." Looks like we're back to normal now, at least w/ Mom.

Honestly, I still feel sore about the lying - but nothing is going to change that. I have come to realize that Mom & Achi have their secrets and they have this relationship going on and it's never going to be the same between Mom & me.

I still feel sore that Achi hasn't made any moves to talk to me yet and w/ her, I am adamant. I don't want to talk to her first. She lied to me and she betrayed me, so she should make the first move if she wants to talk. Kapatid kung sa kapatid but if she can go on w/o me, then surely, I can live w/o talking to her. I have never depended on her for anything in my life and I'm not about to start now.

Trust is a very serious thing with me, I'm sure that Sis would say otherwise and that she probably feels that she didn't do anything wrong but finding out that I can't trust my own sister was just a little bit short of devastating to me.

What do I expect ? Di ko alam.

What do I want ? A sincere apology that shows that she understands why I was upset and what she did wrong. Nothing more, nothing less.

Snooping around

... is never good.

I tried my hand at snooping today and I found some things that I wasn't supposed to know and I'm not too happy about it. In retrospect, I shouldn't have persisted in finding out anymore.

I feel like Pandora right now. I couldn't resist the box full of secrets and I just had to open it. Unfortunately, like Pandora, I released some bad stuff along with the good and as much as I regret what I've done, there's nothing I can do. And even more unfortunate, is that unlike Pandora, I see no sign of Hope.

My Mom's famous words come to mind (when she's caught in a lie or when she finds that she cannot explain herself) - "Tapos na, wag na nating pag-usapan." How I would like to be able to do that and stop remembering and stop thinking. But I can't.

Among the revelations I found out is that my family - specifically, Mom and my sister - still persist in lying to me. It's kind of funny in a perverted suwail-na-anak sort of way, how I kept on baiting Mom and she kept on denying it when all along, I already knew the answer and had proof that she was lying.

In fairness, Mom's good, she stood by her statement (lies though they were). Nag-iyakan na at lahat (well, I mostly did the crying), pinanindigan pa rin nya. Oh, how I wanted to shove the truth up her face but as I've learned from previous experience, that never works.

I'm not saying that Mom was a bad mother. She was one of the best providers, if not *THE* best. She's done and sacrificed everything that she can to give me a good future but she does have her faults. I hate to sound like an ingrate but, recession woes aside, this is just one of those times when money isn't good enough - I would rather have her honesty than cash. Minsan kasi feeling ko she's trying to pay me off. It's like she knows that she's deceiving me and feels like she owes me.

Nakaka-loko lang that she persists in lying and I know all along that she was lying. It's so demeaning.

Anyway, as with the rest of my angst that should most probably remain hidden, dito ko na lang ilalabas. If Mom & Sis see this, then so be it. Fate siguro. If they don't, then sige, magplastikan na lang kami in the meantime.

Mom, you're such a drama queen. I know I am too because it's obviously in my genes as I can't help being my mother's daughter.

Food Diary

I just had some organic taco chips loaded with Pico de Gallo (from Baja Fresh) for bfast today. It was good!

I still get amazed with how much I enjoy tomatoes whenever I have some. I don't particularly enjoy tomatoes which are cooked - in sauces, stews or even in soups - but I absolutely love munching on raw tomatoes. 

A few years ago, when I was working on a project in London, the standard breakfast fare in the hotel I was staying in was sauteed mushrooms, slices of bacon, baked tomatoes and eggs. Obviously, I started all my days with mushrooms and tomatoes, I did this for 2 weeks.

--- Edit:

Okay, so I couldn't resist the lure of the chiu chow chili sauce and had to have it for lunch. So I my lunch of hotdogs, scrambled eggs and rice. I sprinkled the Chiu Chow Chili (Garlic) sauce over each spoonful and savored it.

Now ? Heartburn.

Heard from Lyle...

"I have 3 words for you, Dad... DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY BROTHER!"

He got mad when people laughed at him after he said that.

Officially Empty

Popcorn: 0, Checking Account: 1

"Haha!" said my checking account.

I recently blogged about our finances. Specifically, I talked about how we're running on fumes.  Anyway, the fumes have officially run out now. My heart gave a leap - poor heart, it keeps getting startled nowadays - when I checked both credit card accounts and sorted through ouor recent mail this morning

Egad!

$$ for card 1 due on the 14th.

$$ for card 2 due on the 7th.

$ monthly condo maintenance fee at the end of the month 

$ Car insurance payments due on the 9th

$$ life insurance premium

- utilities

I crunched the numbers and no matter how much I've been saving and scrimping, there's no way we're gonna be able to afford to pay off the total without dipping into the supposedly-do-not-touch* account - which, by the way, is also almost depleted. There's really nothing to worry about because we're still at the $0* debt level, except that the "do not touch" backup account is $0 balance too. Haha!

I'm not complaining. All these purchases were legit - half of card 1's total is part of the new car'sdownpayment. We maxed out the amount that we can put on the card as per the dealer's policy, we did this so we can maximize the cash-back rewards on our card. Card 2's balance is mostly my family's plane fare for their July visit. I did get back the charges that I disputed last month, but that barely made a dent in the statement total.

I've been living in America for several years now but this is the first time I realized how easy it is to get buried in debt. Today is the first time that I can truly say that I can empathize with those who owe so much. I've always made it a policy to pay off my bills at the end of the day and I've always thought that this was enough to curb our spending.

Hindi pala.

This month just proved to me how easy it is to go through your money, no matter how kuripot you are, no matter how much you watch your cents & dollars and no matter how hard you think about your purchases. 

I hope this doesn't come as too much drama because we're still a long way off from being destitute but to those who are struggling to make ends meet, I know how you feel.

---

*Edit:  I just realized that we're not at the $0 debt level because we just took on this auto loan for the 2nd car. Sigh. So correction, we're at the $ xx,xxx debt level. For now.

Congee Village

Hubby has been looking forward to this trip. Family friends recommended the Congee Village a long time ago, but they only remembered the Chinese name so we didn't find this place until we accidentally walked past it during my brother's visit a few weeks ago.

Bro took a picture and this was what it looked like when we walked past it. Needless to say, we didn't even want to try. Note that they have a sort of waiting lounge inside, there were too many people and they spilled over to the sidewalk.

We dropped by again on a weekday night and the wait was better - 15 minutes. We ordered rice baked in bamboo, sliced pork and century egg congee and fried squid with salted pepper.

The baked rice wasn't what hubby expected but the squid and the congee did not disappoint. The congee came sizzling hot and the pot was filled to overflowing, I had been craving for congee and I loved it.

Note that they also serve my favorite shark's fin soup but as I'm staying away from shark right now, I'll probably put a hold on that craving in the meantime.

My take on the Hayden - Katrina videos

So Hayden Kho's sex videos are still popping up the internet and everybody has his thing to say. Politicians and all sorts of (women's rights) groups are coming out and HK is being condemned. I thought I'd come out with my thoughts too.

I'll start off by saying that HK is a pig. He is vermin. Filming intimate moments w/o the other party's consent has got to be one of the vilest things that one can do. It's a violation of other people's rights to privacy. He deserves a good hard kick in the privates - and hopefully, a video of that gets circulated on the net too.

On the other hand, I find it hard to be sympathetic to Katrina because after all, she was in the wrong for being in that relationship in the first place. If HK is a pig, then Katrina is the vilest sort of woman on earth because by going on with HK, she is betraying another woman - someone she personally knows, who employs her - a sponsor, and someone who is supposed to be her friend. Ang kapal ng mukha that she can openly look at, talk and meet with Belo with the knowledge that she is doing Belo's man behind her back. KAPAL!

Having videos of intimate moments publicized seem like a very harsh punishment for KH, but then again, it does seem appropriate for the situation. She takes up and has sex with someone's man so now karma has caught up with her and dealt her with a harsh blow - she and everybody else finds out that the man is a pig. 

If you think about it, Katrina brought this upon herself when she made the decision to take up with someone else's man. She's sexy, pretty, popular. Is there even a shortage of men? Why take someone else's guy? 

I find it unfair that KH is now portrayed as a victim. After all, wasn't she an accomplice who later on got betrayed? The only possible victim or loser here is Vicki Belo and I say "possible" because,  from all accounts, she seems to have gotten back with HK despite all the things that he's done. VB must not see herself as a victim after all if she's willing to overlook Hayden's indescretions.

As for Hayden, while I would probably watch with glee if women were to line up to kick him in the badoodles, I am totally opposed to the politicians & Katrina's requests to PRC to have his medical license revoked. What does filming sex acts have to do with his skills as a doctor? Isn't that up to his patients if they'd feel comfortable seeing him or would rather see someone else?

Why revoke his license? Let the public decide if they want to see him or not.  

Remember that sex video of Mahal that came out a few years back? I don't remember PNP asking anybody to come in to answer questions. I don't remember Bong Revilla coming out to defend Mahal. heehee. Unfair, no ? *grin*

Now, I wonder, why did Belo take HK back ? He's probably very talented ;-) 

Gotta look for those videos.